“It’s Over” poem I wrote last week…

We can feel when we have something real.  It’s when we go to other people for confirmation that we get confused.  Every relationship is different.  Some people don’t practice the norm and normally no one around them can offer any type of understanding in such circumstances.  I’ll give you some simple advice.  Google it.  I don’t ask my girl, I ask the world!  You are not alone. Peace && Blessings.

“Life Support” My new painting =)

My 4th and best painting.

We have so many illusions of what love and relationships should be.  We need to realize that loving someone means just that.  You love them.  Not them with you.  Not them doing the right thing.  Not them treating you a certain way.  You just love them the way they are.  Loving someone this way will cause you some amount of pain.  Sometimes their desires that cannot be fulfilled by you will hurt you.  Loving someone this way may even eliminate your ability to be in a relationship with them at all but, this is truly love.

How can you know if you truly love someone?  The only way to know is to have the full truth about them.  Truth about their actions and thoughts.  Then, the same way you learn to love and forgive yourself after you have made a mistake, you do that for them.  This is truly love.

The most important thing in love is acceptance.  Make sure you are willing to take the person as they are.  Sometimes we subconsciously think of ways that we will help the person improve themselves.  The most important thing in any type of relationship is respect.  Make sure there is a mutual respect between you and the one that you love.  This respect should help you to remain conscious of each other’s feelings and to represent one another in a way that the two of you can be proud of.

Common Misconceptions About Love and Relationships:

1. There is a right way and a wrong way.  Not true at all.  There are many outside factors that define the way we define love and relationships (i.e. society, media, religion).  Some of these outside factors are not very good definitions.  Every relationship is separate and should be treated that way.  Just keep things between the two of you.  If you’re truly happy with the way things are but your friends are saying that it’s wrong or weird, you will begin to believe them and possibly mess up the best thing for you.

2. When the person messes up, that means they don’t love you.  Does the person feel bad?  Do they hate doing things that upset you?  We’re people.  We are not perfect.  Someone to get away from is someone who has no concern for how you feel.  If the person has your best interests at heart and truly feels remorse, just forgive them already!

3. Things are supposed to be perfect.  When you’re alone, is life always perfect, joyous, and drama-free?  If it is, stay out of a relationship and hold on to this phenomenon!  When you add someone else into your life, things only get more complicated.  You definitely have to work through some things but, the end result may be beautiful.  Beautiful because it’s real.

4. You are supposed to sacrifice an important part of yourself.  Compromise in a relationship is healthy; however, you should not be changing your personality or giving up healthy pastimes that you love and enjoy because your partner doesn’t like them.  Make sure the person you are with accepts you exactly as you are and with all of your vices.  If you decide to change later, that’s great.  Just make sure that you are changing because YOU feel/agree that it would be beneficial.

5. Cheating is the worst thing that can happen.  In a relationship, many things can go wrong.  Most of these things can be fixed.  Make sure you do not have any deal-breakers in your relationship.  Work through every problem logically.  Get to the bottom of WHY your partner is behaving the way they are.  Sometimes it’s just a simple matter of them being embarrassed to ask you to fulfill a certain desire.  Always keep the lines of communication open.  Try not to overreact when your partner comes to you with the truth.  This can be hard to do but, consciously practice it.  Also, keep satisfying your partner as a goal and work hard toward it daily.

Contrary to popular belief, there are TWO reasons why a man leaves a woman.  One is because he does not love her.  The other is because he does.  This is hard for us to understand as women.  Our minds do not normally operate this way.  We hold on until our fingers bleed and the last bit of strength is drawn from our upper bodies.  Men often feel like women are not as smart as they are.  They feel that we do not think things all the way through before we make a decision.  Therefore, sometimes when we make a HUGE decision like saying “I’ll work through these hard times with you baby”, they feel the need to make the “right” decision for us and leave us instead. 

When a man feels like he cannot be a provider to his woman, he feels unworthy of her.  He feels as if he has nothing at all to offer her.  This is an especially difficult time for African American women.  We live in a country where our gender rolls were forcefully reversed at our time of arrival.  We are still working through that!  As a successful, black woman, it seems that you constantly have to hear “I should just fall back..” from the men that are of interest to you.  Then, when he gets on his feet, some other woman is walking around with the man you love while you’ve settled for the man who loves you.  Sadly, there is not much that we, as women, can do about this issue.  We cannot reverse progress in order to put our men back on top.  They have to work hard to surpass us.  Try not to be discouraged by the failed relationships.

Just as man feels as if he is unable to fulfill the purpose that he was created for when he is unable to provide, it can be frustrating not to be able to fulfill your purpose as well.  God created woman to be man’s helper.  There is little that you can do to help your man get past feeling like less than a man.  However, when your man is going through hard times, there are little things that you can do that will allow him to keep whatever dignity that he has left.  Here are a few of them:

1.  If you know your man is struggling and plan to help him, provide the help without him asking.  Having to constantly come to you for help will suck the life out of him.

2.  Try to think of a situation in your life that relates to what he is going through.  Tell him that you understand what he is going through because you felt the same way when you were going through it.

3.  When he needs you to listen, do not be judgmental in your responses.  Also, try not to be overly positive in a way that seems naive or as if you are in denial.  Calm, conscious acceptance will help him to deal with things better and make him feel comfortable coming to you.

4.  Let him know that he is not in it alone.  Never begin any suggestions with phrases such as “well, you need to…” or “if you just…”.

5.  Very importantly, always be a source of peace.  Do not contend with your man.  You are on the same team!

“And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.” Genesis 2:18

Be conscious of your language when you are in a relationship.  How can you be “one” with someone else if you are constantly dividing the two of you with your language?  I was in church and a visitor stood up to introduce himself and declared that he was there with his wife and “her kids”.  There is something completely wrong with that statement!  Why would you want to bring someone into your child’s life that cannot even look at your child like one of their own?  Why would you want to bring anyone into your own life that is not willing to share both positive and negative things with you???  You should be saying “we” a lot more than “I” and “our” a lot more than “my” when you are trying to unite yourself unto another.  This subtle change in your expression will strengthen the bond between you and your mate. 

This also goes for situations that you or your significant other may find yourselves in.  We all bring our own issues into the mix.  No one wants to feel like they are in it alone.  Don’t say “you’ll make it through this” but, “WE’ll make it!”.  Having someone else in it with you just makes success seem that much more tangible.

Most important is to include God in your relationship.  You’re already speaking in Faith by declaring victory for the two of you!  Take it a step further and trust God to bring you through all things.  He cannot fail.

“And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh.” Mark 10:8

A lot of us have trouble making a true commitment to anything.  We always feel like we are missing out on the things of the world.  This can go for faithfulness to God, our significant others, our passions, anything!  The problem with chasing after the things of this world is that it has so much going on with it that we can never possibly catch everything.  It is only when we get so wrapped up in trying not to miss anything that the world has to offer that we end up missing things that really do count for something.  These are things like our blessings, our having someone to depend on, or having a high quality of life.  You will never truly be satisfied in life if you don’t change your focus to something that will directly reward you.  Try not to miss a chance to glorify God or to make your significant other smile!  Practices like these will bring you a peace that you’ve never known. 

“Love not the world, neither the things that are in the world.  If any man love the world, the love of the Father is not in him.” 1 John 2:15

Barking.

A couple of years ago, God gave me a voice.  I wasn’t born with one.  I’m kind of like my childhood dog Romeo that didn’t learn that he could bark until late in life.  But, now that I have a voice, I have no idea what to do with it.  I asked God today for the user’s manual.  I don’t want to see evil, hear evil, yet, speak no deliverance. Yes, I perform Spoken Word and people listen to me but, what am I really giving them?

Whimpering.

The pastor at church told me that I was too “easy-going”.  He said, “Does your ‘No’ mean ‘No’? and does your ‘Yes’ mean ‘Yes’?” He told me that I needed to find strength. A woman came to hug me and he said, “Get off of her! She doesn’t need a hug right now.” I sure thought I needed a hug…

Biting.

I may have been delivered from my timid spirit; however, I realized that every time I enter a new arena in life, my character resets.  I have to find my voice all over again. So, now, with my new closeness with God, I need to be able to use my voice to expand His kingdom.  The problem is that I haven’t overcome my FEAR.  I asked God what I should do and He told me to start off with a blog. So, here it is! Jae Word Spoke & Heard.